Getting Laid Off

I got the following letter a few weeks ago:

Dear Mom,

After 12 years of dedicated service, we regret to inform you that you will be downsized to nights and weekends only. Your 11 years of diaper changing, 9 years of potty training, 6 years of breast feeding, and 7 years of classroom volunteering have been much appreciated, but we simply don't need these services any longer. You will no longer hold a full time position in our Department of Child Development, but we’d like to offer you two part time positions in Finance and Transportation.

You may still provide assistance with homework and drive us from place to place, but we no longer need you to pick out our clothes, help us with baths, or walk us to and from the bus stop in the mornings and afternoons.

We applaud your work in the area of early literacy, and it is to your credit that your picture book reading shifts will also be cut due to this change.

Your efforts at conflict resolution and self-esteem building are still required, but as you know, these too, are services that will be tapered down as we learn to handle ourselves in the world.

As you know, we will no longer require you to take us to story times at the library or to classes at the Metro Parks. You will no longer be required to schedule playdates or spend afternoons at the park. We will still explore the creek and go walking in the woods, but as explained above, these activities will be restricted to weekends as our other activities allow.

In addition, classroom teachers and school nurses will now tend to bumps and scrapes, and duty aids will handle playground disputes. The bus drivers will see us to and from school, and you're just going to have to put your blind faith in them that we'll get there safely.

Please be advised that the friends you've made during your employ will no longer be readily available. You may continue these relationships, but as many of them are retaining their current positions, you will now be at different life stages and will need to make concerted efforts to see one another.

While you will still be on nightmare duty, infirmary duty and will continue to lead two Girl Scout troops, we feel that the positions in our Transportation and Fundraising departments best suit our needs at this time. Some of the important projects you will be raising money for are braces, horseback riding lessons, ballet classes and sports equipment and uniforms. You will also be expected to stock three college funds, keeping in mind that due to your hard work and dedication, we plan to attend Ivy-league schools.

While we have been your constant companions for 11 years, we feel that your role in our lives is has changed and it is time for you to find another full time position. We wish you the best of luck as you start over again in the workplace at the age of 42, and hope you will find the skills you've honed over the past decade of some use on your new journey, wherever it may lead. We regret, however, that we cannot offer you any references or proof of past employment.

Please know that it is due to your hard work that we are forced to make these adjustments and we sincerely hope you will continue to be part of our organization in this diminished capacity.

Sincerely,